Hamburg, meine Perle

Today it rained, for a change. Although I wouldn't really call that rain. Barely more than fog. Nevertheless, it reminded me of Hamburg. Once again. I've been thinking a lot about Hamburg, my former home, recently. There was a point in my life when I thought I'd never leave it. When I thought I had found the place that was right for me. But then I did leave. And I miss it. So much. 

I still remember the first weeks and months after I moved to Hamburg. November 1996. One of the nastiest and coldest winters in history. As cold as -20 degrees (that's -4 in Fahrenheit). It was dark, wet, and cold. I almost froze to death in my first night in my new apartment. That's when I learned that electric heaters suck, big time. Especially the ones that recharge at night and need at least 36 hours notice to be able to warm up a place that had been dormant for years.

The winter remained as cold and I was relatively lonely as I didn't know too many people. I didn't have a TV but that turned out to be a good thing. A month later I got my bicycle and I rode to work every day. Through the snow and temperatures way below zero. And eventually, I made friends and I went out to the Reeperbahn for the first time, also by bicycle. And I was blown away. There was this huge party area where people were fun and crazy and didn't give a shit how you were dressed. The music was trashy old German Schlager (oldies) we sang along to at top of our lungs. And at the crack of dawn we went to the Fischmarkt (fish market), by the Elbe river to each crab rolls before we went home to sleep all Sunday. No last orders or 1.30am closing time. Bars closed after people had stopped having fun and gone home.

Originally, I had planned to stay only a few months and then leave my job and start another one in a different city. But then spring arrived. Spring in Hamburg is very special. First, it's still cold but you can already tell that it won't be cold for much longer. Then that first evening right after the sunset when the sky has this special kind of orange-pinkish blue and the air smells faintly like spring. Everything just bursts with anticipation. You can practically feel how every living organism around you sits in their starting block, waiting for the signal to 'spring'. To finally wake up and bloom and live again. And then the first blossoms. The first snowdrop, the first crocus. Finally small spots of color in the city that had been dark and grey for too long. And you know that now it's merely a matter of days or weeks until spring is there. Until the whole city smells like a flower shop and everything is pink and white and green and beautiful. I can still see the Japanese cherry tree behind my house, in full pink bloom. Hamburg is full of trees and parks and, consequently, an abundance of flowers and blooming trees in spring. I miss that so much.

So spring came and made me rethink my decision to leave. In fact, I never wanted to leave Hamburg again. Well, every now and then during a particularly nasty kind of horizontal rain shower I did. But only until the sun came back. And so I got a permanent job and managed to extend my lease and Hamburg became my home. I made friends at work and outside, became the mascot of my company's soccer team, drove through the city in a car without a working clutch. I rode hundreds and thousands of miles on my bicycle with only one major accident. I ran through the streets around the Alster lake at temperatures below zero. Had barbecues on the beach. Laughed and cried with my friends. Moved a few times. After a few years I quit my job and went to university. And had a whole lot of other crazy experiences with people I still love dearly. 

A few years later I started working for my current employer who eventually asked me to come to California. I can still remember seeing the email. I had been thinking about my professional future as I hadn't been happy in my job for a while. And there was it, the dream job. A job I wasn't even officially qualified for. A way out. But it was at the other end of the world. I would have to leave the city that I had become to love so much. Leave my friends and colleagues. Leave a life I thought had been settled and boringly comforting. I can still remember the night when I told my friends that I got offered a job in California. The looks on their faces that so perfectly reflected what I was feeling. You have to take this job! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Move to California, who wouldn't want that? And: Don't go! I spent several days and nights pondering and weighing pros and cons until I made the decision. I would leave. I would give up my life and start a new life. 

And here I am. In one of the most beautiful parts of this world. The Pacific Ocean at my doorstep, red woods, deserts, mountains, the best weather you can wish for. And I miss Hamburg. I miss getting rained on and having my umbrella getting torn apart by the storm. I miss going everywhere by bicycle. Miss hardwood floors and high ceilings. Miss power outlets that are level. Miss the smell and the colors of spring. Even the harsh winters. Even breaking into sweats after two steps in those humid summers. And most of all, I miss my friends, miss German humor and sarcasm. And Hamburg, Hamburg I miss you so much.

Girlhood

When I was little I often wanted to be a boy. Not in a transgender kind of way. Just because it seemed like so much easier and so much more fun. I never liked dresses or skirts, or played with the dolls that I kept getting as presents, and I never really understood why girls were nice one day and mean the next. I preferred hanging out with boys and, most of the times, the boys were okay with that. I never cried unless I got really hurt. I loved to get dirty, and was usually bolder than most of them. It was so much easier being with boys. Granted, they could get a little annoying at times, or play a little too rough but they were never really mean. They were less moody, more predictable, and they did more fun things, such as play sports, climb trees, play with model cars and trains, Lego, etc. But I did like to hang out with girls, too. There are some things that only girls understand and that are way more fun with girls, than with boys. Yeah, talking about boys was one of them. But it always puzzled me how girls could be the loveliest and nicest creatures one day and heartless mean bitches the next. I was just too naive to assume that I could trust everybody in this world. Not a good idea. I'm still like that, though. Just more careful and more experienced in trusting my gut feeling.

People mistook me for a boy quite often. Given my skinny physique, my preference for hanging out with boys, my boldness, my usually bruised elbows and knees, and the fact that I wore my brother's old clothes most of the time, vs. the pink outfits that my parents had bought me in a desperate attempt to "disguise me as a girl". Most of the times I didn't really care if that happened. Sometimes it was annoying, especially the one time when my hair was long but I had pulled it up into a ponytail. And sometimes it was kind of fun. Like that time when every girl had to leave the boys' tent in summer camp and I didn't. When, on vacation, two girls had a crush on me and my parents cracked up every time at lunch when they walked in to our cafe at the hotel, looked over to where I sat and blushed and looked away when I looked over and grinned. 

It was just one of the things that seemed unavoidable when I grew up. And I was okay with it. In fact, once my body started changing I was actually a little sad. I loved to go topless without everyone staring at you or looking away. Even more so now that I live in the US where it's not even legal. And something else happened, too. Suddenly, the boys became a little awkward with me. And it became a little awkward to hang with the boys. That was the saddest part. It seemed like I had lost most of my friends. Much later, however, I would realize that I had also gained access to a large pool of people I could have all other kinds of fun with.

Also, I think that restrooms should be unisex everywhere! That will spare a whole lot of boys and girls embarrassing moments and impossible decisions.