The Age of Zero Fucks Given

I love being 40. Early forties. Apart from the frequent reminders of my body that I am not 20 anymore, like after a day of snowboarding when even washing my hands was a motion that caused my sore muscles to hurt so bad. Let alone walking. Other than that it's fabulous. You really do not give one fuck anymore. Am I living the right life, having the right job, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, dating the right guy? Who cares? No one does, really.

In fact, I noticed that more people envy or admire me for the life that I live. I used to think that I was a big failure, not being married, no kids. Almost everyone else had that. But then, I saw people getting divorced. Friends being unhappy in their marriage, with the kids, the house, the mortgage and the full time job. I have friends who are happy and who have great kids and a working marriage. But that must have been a lot of work. And I truly hope for them that it will be worth it in the long run. Like it seem to have been for my parents. Or it seems to be for my brother. I wouldn't want to miss my sister in law or my nieces but I do see how hard is has been for them and still is.

I know that this is a popular subject for single, childless women my age. But the way I approach it is like a curious scientist, like a child seeing a rainbow for the first time. When I see friends who get married or have children I can't help to ask the question "Why?". What makes them do it? Why don't I feel like doing the same thing? What makes me different?

And then, I see that I am not that different. So many other people finally realized that they do not have to get married. That they don't have to have children, not even a relationship to be truly happy or normal (whatever that means). It's just one option. Not the defined goal that you have to reach to not be regarded as a failure. We're over that. What is the goal, anyway? And how hard has one to work towards it?

I know one thing. I am happy where I am right now and I wouldn't want to have anyone else's life. It wasn't always easy on my way here. And it won't always be easy in the future. But I know one thing: Giving zero fucks about what other people think you should be or do is the best advice I can give.

The Next Generation

There are a lot of good things that come with age. And a lot of things I could easily live without. Like the stiffness of my muscles every morning, the way my skin is changing in certain parts of my body and the knowledge that this will only get worse from here, how bad of an experience jet lag or long distance flights have become, and the worst: having to deal with the next generation.

I'm pretty sure that every generation has felt this way and we all have had confrontations with previous generations caused by very different views, opinions, likes, and dislikes, and different environments. I mean, how can someone like me who grew up in a peaceful, secure, and wealthy country relate to my parents who were born in World War II? My mother still woke up shaking every time the fire alarm sirens went off.  I'm always amazed by people who bridge that gap easily but they're usually the minority. I have been wondering why I am so impatient and a a particular type of person makes me angry so easily. Especially here in the Bay Area. People seem to think that because they're paying an ridiculous amount of rent or bought a shitty place for 10 times its actual value or have a big, ecologically friendly car with a t-shaped logo, that they're entitled to ignore most traffic rules, keep their neighbors from sleeping with loud parties on school nights, walk on the sidewalk without looking up and expect others to jump out of their way, or park their cars that are too big for their garage on the sidewalk.

I've tried a few approaches to deal with my anger and annoyance. The latest one while I was at work. With all these young software engineers running around. Unless, they're in front of you in the cafeteria line or blocking your way when you're late for a meeting. Then they're like sloths. Anyway, I got a little annoyed by a few of them, once again. Most likely because they were looking at their phones while walking towards me so I had to step or jump aside to avoid them bumping in to me. Or they picked noodles on their plate at the cafeteria, one by one... So I tried to imagine that all of them were puppies. Cute, fluffy, clumsy puppies. Running around on their big paws, tumbling over, peeing everywhere, but being very cute at the same time. So you can't get angry at them whatever they do. And it did work. I got calmer and understanding and I was able to accept all the things that had annoyed me till then as part of who they were. The one thing I still have to work on, though, is to keep my self from saying "Auuu", all the time when I see some particularly clumsy ones.

The Great Wide Open

Just the thought of the imminent trip makes me so happy and my smile so wide that it is impossible to hide from my colleagues. And being the lovely colleagues I know they are so happy for me. Which makes me smile even wider.

Riding the bike is just one part of what I look forward to. Traveling on a motorcycle is unlike every other form of traveling. You are outside. You feel the wind, the heat, the cold, the rain. You smell the smells. The good ones and the nasty ones. You get hit by bugs. Some of them feel like rocks. Apart from the gear you're wearing, you are unprotected. You feel each turn, each incline and descend. The difference in temperatures between sun and shade, between higher and lower altitudes. It is not as strenuous as riding a bicycle but it is not easy, either. You better make sure that your attention is 100% on the ride and anything around you that could potentially kill you. It is like meditation. At 80 miles per hour.

Another part I am very excited about is the 'big unknown'. As a German I'm used to planning and knowing where I am and where I am going and how and when to get there. But I'm trying very hard this time, to not plan at all. Other than collecting names and numbers of friends and families I could stay with along the route. The route I will end up taking, not the route I've planned out to the last mile. Not having to stick to a schedule. Not having to be at a certain place at a certain time. I'm just so curious and excited to find out where I will end up, who I will meet along the way, and what I will end up doing, seeing, experiencing.

The most difficult but also most exciting part is the absence of planning. It's so hard, not to give into that nagging voice that still tries to get me to figure out what to do next and secure my next paycheck even before I've left Google. And it's challenging but also a lot of fun ignoring it. I just KNOW that I will be fine. If I've learned one thing during my time at Google and if there's one thing I love about being 40+ it's that I can fully trust my gut. I will find a way. I will figure it out. And THAT is the part I am looking forward to the most.

Can't argue with that

Last Saturday I went for a run in the morning. A mile away from home I saw a truck on the other side of the still empty street. Next to it stood an older guy who seemed to be having a discussion with a slightly drunk hipster. The truck was full of large images of bloody babies. And I read something like "Abortion gives you breast cancer." The older guy who owned the car seemed to be an expert in that matter, I mean, him being a person with neither a uterus nor breasts and, I suspect, no medical degree or any knowledge of obstetrics or gynecology. Like so many self proclaimed experts in the field of abortion.

I had it. I took out my ear bud and yelled at the guy: "You keep the hell out of my uterus. You don't get to decide what to do with unborn babies because, YOU don't have one! Once you've had your first pregnancy and had to struggle with the decision to abort, you get an opinion!" He started to respond but I just shook my head and kept running. The hipster guy was obviously amused and gave me a thumbs up.

Immediately after, I knew that that had been a stupid idea. You just cannot argue with people like that. If anything, he must have felt encouraged by me. One more person to convert. He certainly didn't hear or let alone consider (or even considered to consider) what I yelled at him. And the fact that I yelled it didn't help either. I must have been just one more sheep on the wrong path for him.

There is just no arguing with radical people. And radical includes politically as well as religiously or just plain stupid. You can't. They will not listen to what you are saying. They are so set in their beliefs and opinions that they don't even hear anything that doesn't align with or supports those. They might just be lazy or scared. It's not easy to try to understand a new point of view. To really listen to arguments and facts and then go ahead and find out more, research, gather all the facts and other opinions and then, finally, come to a well informed conclusion. Such as, yes, we are fucking up our planet and the sea levels are rising and the poles are melting. Let's DO something about it. It's hard to change. It took years and years, a whole lifetime to build that system of beliefs and opinions. Listening and maybe even accepting someone else's opinion or just the facts could negate their whole existence! And who wants to realize they were wrong for more than 69 years? No one. And so they keep going, fighting, and arguing for what they believe is the right thing. And nothing, no statistically significant studies, not millions of people with a different opinion, no hard facts, no bombing with drones or shooting with guns, and of course no yelling at them from across the street will get them to give you even one inch, not even a centimeter.

Fortunately, there are people who are willing to change. And the interesting thing is, once you did, it really doesn't feel like you've lost or wasted your life so far. Sure, there's this short moment where you go, WTF, if I had only done this when I was younger! But then you look ahead and are happy that you were able to make it at all. Because that is what makes really good and smart and compassionate people: they don't cling to and worry about the past and they don't hope to have a better life in some distant future or in heaven. They live today! And they give their best to make life better for everyone. Today. Now!

Still not afraid

Thanks to my dear friend Andrena for this photo. I wish we could hang out for real sometime :-).

I have about 1.5 months left with a steady, well paid job. And still no idea what I will do next. Where the money for my rent and bills will come from. And yet, I am still not afraid. Not even a little bit nervous.

To be honest, I don't even want to think about it at this point. My mind is still too occupied with my current job to be able to make the right decision. What I have started to do though, is plan my trip. I've been reading travel journals of motorcyclists. Like "All the gear. No idea" of an English woman who traveled through India. By herself. On a motorcycle she bought there after she had just gotten her license in England. I admit that my balls aren't even half as big as hers. And as much as I think that India must be fascinating and I love the hospitality of the people, I need something less crowded and a place where I don't stick out that much. And of course, a place where I can ride on roads that won't force me into a shop every other day and won't get me killed that fast.

Now I'm reading a book about a motorcyle trip across the US. That's more what I want to do. And I love how this guy writes about riding. How he describes the feeling of sitting on your bike, the road ahead, nowhere else to be. Absolute freedom. While I know that doing this trip in a car, maybe even a small SUV, would be so much more comfortable especially once I reach rainier regions and also cheaper if I sleep in the car, it would just not be the same. Nothing compares to being on the road, you and your bike, enjoying every single mile. (Haha, I sound like such a dude...). It's not so much running away from something. Quite the opposite. I know I will not only find new friends and make lots of exciting, scary, good and also not so good experiences but I will get to know myself so much better and learn how to rely on others more and ask for help. The latter will be challenging. It's so much easier to pay for a hotel, have your own room and privacy after a long day on the road instead of meeting strangers for the first time who kindly offered their guest room or couch to you. And talk to them about the trip and yourself. And worse, feel indebted to them. On the other hand, on my last trip I found myself talking to many of the Innkeepers or fellow travelers and I do feel that I have enough to offer in return for hospitality.

In a nutshell, I can't wait to finally leave and be on the road. For at least two months or for however long it will take!