Uncomfortably Excited

I quit my job.

After almost 11 years at Google and over 21 years of either working, or studying and working I am going to take a few months off to see what I'm going to do next. I'm not so much nervous than happy and a little relieved. And very excited about all the options and possibilities. And also very grateful for my time at Google and everything I learned and what I've become while working there. And, of course, for all the people I got to know there, many of them dear friends now.

At this point I don't have a clue what I am going to do next. Or where my next paycheck will come from. The only thing I know is that I made the right decision. That it was time to leave. That I contributed my share to the success of this company and that it made its contributions to my personal development. It gave me the skills, and more importantly, the guts to make this decision.

I must admit that I've never been very fond of technology. The new Android phone, the next MacBook or iPhone, virtual reality, self driving cars. Although, I can't wait for the latter.  There are way too many incompetent drivers on the roads in this country. While I am aware and impressed by the technological advancements made during my life so far, I'm longing to be away from this fast-paced environment where everyone seems to be running to be the one who discovers the next big thing or at least buy the next big thing discovered by someone else.

I am exhausted. I know I am good at what I do and I love my colleagues and most parts of my work. I love presenting and speaking in front of others. Love, when their faces light up when they understand what I'm saying and when they nod and agree. And when we really dig into a seemingly unsolvable complex issue. And we think so hard that my brain hurts like crazy and I can feel it burning calories. And then, after countless sessions, the break through, the solution. But then, what was it that we do? Code is written, some data tables are getting rearranged, some websites get updated, some changes to a user interface. And a few years later, someone else will do the exact same thing: sit in a room to figure out how they can rebuild and improve what we just did. Software development is like building things with Lego. It's really only fun while you're building something new. You don't usually play with what you build for very long.

And that's the thing, I don't feel like I'm creating something that will last for a long time. I might make peoples lives easier. Granted, in our case, A LOT of people's lives. But I don't feel it. I want to stand in front of a room of people, look into their eyes and see that I had an impact on them. On their lives.

So, what is next? I don't know. My immediate plan is to do another motorcycle trip. This time with less planning and more spontaneity. And this time longer. I always wanted to just go without knowing where I will end up next. And stay in places I like for as long as I want. This time, though, I will have to rely on other people more. Ask for help. Ask friends if they know someone I could couch surf with. House sit, baby sit, dog or cat sit. All in exchange for a bed and a roof. Instead of spending hundreds of dollars on fancy B&Bs or hotels. I'm so excited to be able to be scared again. Or maybe scared for the first time. Ever since I left home I never had to worry about anything. There always was a steady, relatively well paid job. I had what I needed and usually more. But for a year or more, I won't know what comes next. I know that I will find out. It's always worked out that way. I just need time to be able to listen to myself. Relieve my brain from the constant input and strain it's under at work and give it the opportunity to reset, synch with my heart and my body and tell me what to do. It will, eventually. If there is one thing I know for sure it's that I can always trust my gut to send me in the right direction.

I know I can do whatever I want to. I ran two marathons, for god's sake! I jumped out of an airplane. I've been working in an industry and a job that I do not officially qualify for. And I do rock it! Or have rocked it. And I will find something I can rock even more.